Collection Letter

This collection letter can be used to lighten what could be an unpleasant task. Collecting money is usually very serious and nothing is more awkward than trying to collect money from a "past due" account. 

Trying to threaten or intimidate a company into paying is not always the best way to handle it though because it may cause the company to just fight back rather than try to solve the problem.

At the very least, you will create some dislike and likely bad customer relations with this approach.

By using funny email humor, perhaps the situation will not become adversarial and a solution can be found.

Try using this funny business email collection letter template instead of direct confrontation.

It might work better.

Dear 

As a good businessperson, you are no doubt aware of [ ]how accounts that have become seriously "past due" must be handled [ ]how holes are placed in Swiss cheese [ ]how rock stars react to sunshine [ ]how the caramel is placed in Caramilk bars [ ]how psychiatric nurses treat old executives [ ]how Donald Trump combs his hair.

I'm not going to try to get your attention by [ ]donning a corrective hat [ ]getting undressed [ ]making a threat [ ]buying a new "Slinky" [ ]drinking a bottle of aftershave [ ]dissecting a frog.

Neither do I wish to [ ]sit on a cactus [ ]embarrass or intimidate your company [ ]sing opera in the shower [ ]pig out on peanut butter [ ]pass gas [ ]pass out.

I am merely informing you that [ ]your glasses don't float [ ]the rabbit died [ ]60 Minutes is outside your door [ ]the airbags in your car are faulty [ ]your account has reached a point where we must decide within a few days whether to turn it over for collection or not [ ]your bra's on backwards.

We know that you understand our predicament and that you are probably [ ]just going through a phase [ ]still going to need a brain transplant [ ]just contemplating your naval [ ]taking Tae-Kwan-Do lessons [ ]anorexic [ ]experiencing a similar situation with some of your aging accounts.

We would like to [ ]send you to computer camp [ ]fill your bath tub with Jello [ ]hear from you and learn what your intentions are in regard to this account [ ]quarantine your cat [ ]free your pet whale [ ]meet your sister.

Sincerely yours,

How To Get This Collection Letter Template Into Your Email Program

(These directions are for Outlook Express users but will generally be the same for all email programs.)

Open your email program and click on the "Create Mail" button.

Return to this Collection Letter page and highlight the verse above.

Right-click on the highlighted text and click "copy".

Return to your email program and in the box below the subject line; click once to get the cursor in the box and then right-click on the mouse and click "paste" and the text (from above) will be transferred into the body of your email.

Put a CAPITAL "X" in the brackets beside the words or phrases you want to use in your message.

Add your name at the end.

If you are sending this email to an individual, then you will also want to type his/her name at the top.

You may then want to enter a word or two in the "Subject" line. (What's the email about?)

Finally, you must enter the person's email address and click send. (Hopefully, you can just select their email address from your address book.)

Funny Business Email

Go back to the Free Business Email page with lots more funny email you can use for different business situations.

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Please note that the "What's New?" section below is updated whenever something I think is funny comes along, therefore some of these "New" blogs further down the page may already have been replaced by the time you click on them!

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