Financial Jokes

Financial jokes may only be a part of this page when it gets totally filled out because I could also add jokes about politics as well. After all, our politicians have been the leaders in getting us into the mess we are in anyway.

I know that we citizens are not blameless in this whole process, but the politicians have taken the game to a whole new level. Money jokes and jokes about the economy flow freely at comedy clubs and the stand-up comedians are having a field day.

Therefore, I decided that it was time to start a page dedicated to financial jokes as I believe that this mess is going to continue on for years to come and therefore there should be plenty of laughter to come. (What a mess!)

Anyway, I've started this financial jokes page off with some funny business/stock market definitions that I thought were quite good. (I wish I knew where they came from so I could give somebody credit for them, but I don't.)

I've followed that up with some Jay Leno quotes which are quite good and I'll add other "yuks" as they come along.

Enjoy them and remember, money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything!


New Business/Stock Market Terms

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and the wife gets no jewellery.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD AND POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling your shares to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought some stocks at $240 per share that now is worth $20!

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

MONEY LAUNDERING -- what the Government does with your money after you pay your taxes.


Financial Funnies

Jay Leno On The Economy

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market!

2. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker is that the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW!

3. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left!

4. I want to warn people from Nigeria right now. If you get any e-mail from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it!

5. The president was asked about the credit crunch the other day. He said it was his favourite candy bar!

6. The difference between a balanced budget and a deficit is...a printing press! 


Company Mergers (2014)

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
 
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
 
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
  
                                                And finally....
  
9.  Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang!

(That's it - no more financial jokes. They're getting bad now!)


Go To Joke Central From This Financial Jokes Page

Go to my Fun Jokes page for lots of other different and unique jokes.


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Please note that the "What's New?" section below is updated whenever something I think is funny comes along, therefore some of these "New" blogs further down the page may already have been replaced by the time you click on them!

What's New?

  1. Sing Along To Sylvia's Mother

    Aug 08, 17 12:00 AM

    This is a long, slow song, but you should know it! (By the way, I had to change programs so the format is a little different.)

    Read More

  2. New "Thinkers" Joke

    Jul 31, 17 12:00 AM

    There's a new Thinkers Joke (cartoon) for you if you've got a minute. It's the one on the right of the top row. (You'll get it.)

    Read More

  3. What's Your Sense Of Humor?

    Jul 20, 17 12:00 AM

    Just changed the joke on my main website page where you can vote whether it's funny or not, so I'll know what interests you. (It's about 1/4 of the way down the page.) It involves "The Flu!"

    Read More

  4. Sing Along To "Ruby Baby"

    Jul 15, 17 12:00 AM

    Here's an old rock song you can belt out! It was made famous by Dion And The Belmonts. (Lyrics are included.)

    Read More

  5. Funny Picture - "Spelling"

    Jul 15, 17 12:00 AM

    This is so true! Take a minute to take a quick look at the top picture.

    Read More

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Thank You

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